High Anxiety
As I sit here sipping my chamomile tea, I can't help but think about how anxious I have been in recent days. About what exactly, I'm not sure. I just know that at certain times, I could have hurled this computer (or some other large object) through a plate glass window and had no reaction. Well, that is probably a lie...I'm sure I would have felt a little relieved. I have had this type of anxiety before. Cutting way back on the caffeine through the years has certainly helped limit these episodes. Yesterday morning, I had a small cup of half-decaf coffee with my breakfast. Nothing out of the ordinary, mind you. But the reaction I had was something else.
I went to the gym shortly after breakfast. As I began my workout, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I started to get minorly irritated. The music on my ipod, the very music that I put on there to assist with these workouts, sounded like nails on a chalkboard. Every single tune sounded totally harsh. I kept fast-forwarding through the songs, and none of them made me happy. Not one. At one point, I contemplated ripping the headset right off and whipping it across the gym floor, but I figured that might cause a scene. So I just kept sifting helplessly through the music until a song would appear that didn't make me want to punch the wall. Small victory.
Meanwhile, the anger kept building. I sensed that time was collapsing on me, that there was not enough hours in the day to do all that I wanted to do. The panic alarm went off. Not only was there not enough time, but wasn't I supposed to have woken up completely refreshed after my second consecutive day of 9+ hours of sleep? Ugh. Why wasn't anything cooperating with me today? I mean, it was the weekend and I just had so much to do before it was over. I had a big trip coming in a couple of weeks. I still hadn't done my taxes. I needed a new pair of flip-flops. My apartment was a disaster. And damn it, the sun was out. Why the hell wasn't I at the beach soaking it in?
I left the gym and headed home on my bike. It seemed like everyone around me was in a bad mood. Drivers were cutting each other off, and one stopped right in front of me when he should have been turning right, causing me to have to break abruptly. What an ass, I thought. I arrived home, flung open the door in disgust, and didn't know what to do first. I started by unpacking my new backpack, which was a generous early-birthday present from a good friend. I was having trouble opening it. The damn straps, why did they have to be so hard to adjust? And this new bag was just so, I don't know....new. I wasn't comfortable with it yet, but I was surely about to tear it to shreds if it continued to fight against me. Ugh. I finally got it open, took out my gym gear and started to repack it with the day's goods. I forgot my water bottle. Oh hell. I angrily returned to the bag several times before it was completely filled with everything I would need for the rest of the day. I wanted to explode into tears. Why did I keep forgetting things? Argh! All I could ask myself aloud was, What is wrong with you, Paul?? And I had no answer. I was absolutely miserable, and I felt every last second of it.
I was in the death grips of a complete mental spinout.
After a long and exhausting preparation, I finally got back on my bicycle. Once again, the traffic seemed to be my enemy. Cars weaved all around me. I swore probably five or six times. I looked around and saw the beautiful blue sky and thought, meh. I have better things to worry about. I saw Waikiki beach on the right side, with its crystal clear blue waters. The sand was packed with people enjoying themselves. Screw them, I thought. I had things to do today. I was not going to be one of those happy folks. Not today. Maybe tomorrow, but certainly not today...not now.
I stopped to get lunch. I sat in L & L, waiting for my hawaiian barbecue chicken that usually satisfies me so much. Once it arrived, I plowed through it as if I had not eaten in weeks. I don't even think I tasted it. The whole meal was a blur of dissatisfaction. Having fed myself, I still felt like a scrooge and was also now a little pissed that my reliable chicken didn't make me happy either. Making matters even worse, there was a little girl singing the Barney theme song to her father in a neighboring booth. Oh lord, I thought. Shut up already! But wait. On second glance, this girl was adorable. She was so full of innocence and joy. Her father was having a blast with her. They were just enjoying the moment. Who was I to rain on their parade? As I felt a smile creep across my lips, I couldn't help but think:
Paul, what the #@! is your problem???
It was then that I began to calm down, if only a little. My racing heart started to return to a normal rhythm. For the first time all day, I felt myself breathing. I could feel myself soften and relax just a bit. My mind began to search all of its files, trying to figure out what caused this particular episode. I tried to blame the morning coffee for my adverse reaction and subsequent "attack". Surely, the caffeine didn't help matters. But the anxiety was already there to begin with. Somewhere buried in all of those mental files, I saw lots of "what ifs", and "what could be's" hidden among the ruins. All sure signs that I was not present and accounted for. All day, I had been beating myself up for the past, and obsessing over the future.
I was crumbling under the weight of my own expectations.
It was hard to ignore how I was feeling as all of this took place. It felt very harsh. I visually imagined my body having all hard edges, sort of like a big square. Everyone who came in contact with me was bumping up against one of my sharp sides. I had literally boxed myself in!
In the midst of the day's mental gymnastics, I was totally disconnected from everyone and everything. I even noticed how hard it was to make eye contact with people. I was not smiling....at all. And how I felt inside, my exact mood at the time, was being presented to me in all of my experiences. I was closed off, totally shut down for business. The world I saw was exactly what I was making it. Today, this world really sucked. I suppose you get what you give, even when you don't like it.
Once I was finally able to take a breath, all of my hard edges began to soften. Maybe not all the way at first, but enough to make life bearable again. When I smiled at that little girl singing to her father, my face felt so different. I realized I hadn't smiled all day. I'm surprised my face didn't crack in half, actually. Why hadn't I smiled before then? Um, I'm not sure. I guess I just forgot to.
Maybe that is what anxiety is really all about. Forgetting. Besides forgetting to smile, I had forgotten to breathe. I forgot to relax and just take one thing at a time. I forgot to be grateful. I forgot to pay attention to what was happening right in front of me. Most importantly, I forgot that I have control over my moods. Oh, how easy that one is to forget.
Ultimately it is never really about that cup of coffee, is it? Nah. It is about making choices. Heck, sometimes it's simply about remembering that I have a choice to begin with. It is about knowing myself, and taking good care of me. There will always be times where I choose to forget what's good for me, and choose to spin my wheels. This time around it appeared that a cute, innocent child helped show me the way. Next time, there is no telling who or what will help me break out of my self-imposed prison. I guess it doesn't even matter.
The only thing that matters is knowing that there is always a way out.
I went to the gym shortly after breakfast. As I began my workout, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I started to get minorly irritated. The music on my ipod, the very music that I put on there to assist with these workouts, sounded like nails on a chalkboard. Every single tune sounded totally harsh. I kept fast-forwarding through the songs, and none of them made me happy. Not one. At one point, I contemplated ripping the headset right off and whipping it across the gym floor, but I figured that might cause a scene. So I just kept sifting helplessly through the music until a song would appear that didn't make me want to punch the wall. Small victory.
Meanwhile, the anger kept building. I sensed that time was collapsing on me, that there was not enough hours in the day to do all that I wanted to do. The panic alarm went off. Not only was there not enough time, but wasn't I supposed to have woken up completely refreshed after my second consecutive day of 9+ hours of sleep? Ugh. Why wasn't anything cooperating with me today? I mean, it was the weekend and I just had so much to do before it was over. I had a big trip coming in a couple of weeks. I still hadn't done my taxes. I needed a new pair of flip-flops. My apartment was a disaster. And damn it, the sun was out. Why the hell wasn't I at the beach soaking it in?
I left the gym and headed home on my bike. It seemed like everyone around me was in a bad mood. Drivers were cutting each other off, and one stopped right in front of me when he should have been turning right, causing me to have to break abruptly. What an ass, I thought. I arrived home, flung open the door in disgust, and didn't know what to do first. I started by unpacking my new backpack, which was a generous early-birthday present from a good friend. I was having trouble opening it. The damn straps, why did they have to be so hard to adjust? And this new bag was just so, I don't know....new. I wasn't comfortable with it yet, but I was surely about to tear it to shreds if it continued to fight against me. Ugh. I finally got it open, took out my gym gear and started to repack it with the day's goods. I forgot my water bottle. Oh hell. I angrily returned to the bag several times before it was completely filled with everything I would need for the rest of the day. I wanted to explode into tears. Why did I keep forgetting things? Argh! All I could ask myself aloud was, What is wrong with you, Paul?? And I had no answer. I was absolutely miserable, and I felt every last second of it.
I was in the death grips of a complete mental spinout.
After a long and exhausting preparation, I finally got back on my bicycle. Once again, the traffic seemed to be my enemy. Cars weaved all around me. I swore probably five or six times. I looked around and saw the beautiful blue sky and thought, meh. I have better things to worry about. I saw Waikiki beach on the right side, with its crystal clear blue waters. The sand was packed with people enjoying themselves. Screw them, I thought. I had things to do today. I was not going to be one of those happy folks. Not today. Maybe tomorrow, but certainly not today...not now.
I stopped to get lunch. I sat in L & L, waiting for my hawaiian barbecue chicken that usually satisfies me so much. Once it arrived, I plowed through it as if I had not eaten in weeks. I don't even think I tasted it. The whole meal was a blur of dissatisfaction. Having fed myself, I still felt like a scrooge and was also now a little pissed that my reliable chicken didn't make me happy either. Making matters even worse, there was a little girl singing the Barney theme song to her father in a neighboring booth. Oh lord, I thought. Shut up already! But wait. On second glance, this girl was adorable. She was so full of innocence and joy. Her father was having a blast with her. They were just enjoying the moment. Who was I to rain on their parade? As I felt a smile creep across my lips, I couldn't help but think:
Paul, what the #@! is your problem???
It was then that I began to calm down, if only a little. My racing heart started to return to a normal rhythm. For the first time all day, I felt myself breathing. I could feel myself soften and relax just a bit. My mind began to search all of its files, trying to figure out what caused this particular episode. I tried to blame the morning coffee for my adverse reaction and subsequent "attack". Surely, the caffeine didn't help matters. But the anxiety was already there to begin with. Somewhere buried in all of those mental files, I saw lots of "what ifs", and "what could be's" hidden among the ruins. All sure signs that I was not present and accounted for. All day, I had been beating myself up for the past, and obsessing over the future.
I was crumbling under the weight of my own expectations.
It was hard to ignore how I was feeling as all of this took place. It felt very harsh. I visually imagined my body having all hard edges, sort of like a big square. Everyone who came in contact with me was bumping up against one of my sharp sides. I had literally boxed myself in!
In the midst of the day's mental gymnastics, I was totally disconnected from everyone and everything. I even noticed how hard it was to make eye contact with people. I was not smiling....at all. And how I felt inside, my exact mood at the time, was being presented to me in all of my experiences. I was closed off, totally shut down for business. The world I saw was exactly what I was making it. Today, this world really sucked. I suppose you get what you give, even when you don't like it.
Once I was finally able to take a breath, all of my hard edges began to soften. Maybe not all the way at first, but enough to make life bearable again. When I smiled at that little girl singing to her father, my face felt so different. I realized I hadn't smiled all day. I'm surprised my face didn't crack in half, actually. Why hadn't I smiled before then? Um, I'm not sure. I guess I just forgot to.
Maybe that is what anxiety is really all about. Forgetting. Besides forgetting to smile, I had forgotten to breathe. I forgot to relax and just take one thing at a time. I forgot to be grateful. I forgot to pay attention to what was happening right in front of me. Most importantly, I forgot that I have control over my moods. Oh, how easy that one is to forget.
Ultimately it is never really about that cup of coffee, is it? Nah. It is about making choices. Heck, sometimes it's simply about remembering that I have a choice to begin with. It is about knowing myself, and taking good care of me. There will always be times where I choose to forget what's good for me, and choose to spin my wheels. This time around it appeared that a cute, innocent child helped show me the way. Next time, there is no telling who or what will help me break out of my self-imposed prison. I guess it doesn't even matter.
The only thing that matters is knowing that there is always a way out.
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