Life Unraveled

As I sit here sipping my chamomile tea, I can't help but think about how anxious I have been in recent days.  About what exactly, I'm not sure.  I just know that at certain times, I could have hurled this computer (or some other large object) through a plate glass window and had no reaction.  Well, that is probably a lie...I'm sure I would have felt a little relieved.  I have had this type of anxiety before.  Cutting way back on the caffeine through the years has certainly helped limit these episodes.  Yesterday morning, I had a small cup of half-decaf coffee with my breakfast.  Nothing out of the ordinary, mind you.  But the reaction I had was something else. I went to the gym shortly after breakfast.  As I began my workout, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest.  I started to get minorly irritated.  The music on my ipod, the very music that I put on there to assist with these workouts, sounded like nails on a...

I have been giving alot of thought lately to the idea of time.  Namely, how much of it I appear to waste being unhappy or doing something that does not lift my spirit.  The first thing that strikes me is the understanding that I am never really wasting time no matter what is happening, or what it feels like.  OK, I know it seems odd to say that I'm considering how much time I waste doing certain things and feeling a certain way, and yet in the same breath acknowledging that I can never really be wasting time. Is this a legitimate question, or simply another waste of time? Here is what I seem to know regarding "time" in my life.  I have concluded that I am never really wasting time.  If I feel bored, restless, or totally stagnant, it is not a waste of time because those feelings eventually contribute to something else.  Whether they turn into change or just more of the same, any feeling in any moment ...

It was Saturday morning, around 8:45am.  Between two jobs I had worked twelve hours the previous day.  Sure, I had managed to get a fair amount of sleep on Friday night, but I awoke the next morning feeling a bit drained and even more discouraged that I was on my way to work yet again.  I knew I should be grateful for the extra work and the money that came along with it, but I wasn't.  I just wanted to be free.  I surveyed the scene outside, and it wasn't helping.  A sparkling clear blue sky was present, and I could see all of the mountains crisply in the distance, as if they were part of a Hollywood movie set.  The air was warm, and it had that early-morning feel that I so rarely get to experience since I am normally working during these hours.  Yes, it was about to be a gorgeous day in paradise and I was off to work....again.  Cue the sad music and let the pity party begin.  I trudged down the st...

Last year, after returning home from a long meditation retreat, I was contemplating the instructions I was supposed to bring forth into my life from that point on.  I was advised to hone my new-found meditation skills for one hour in the morning, and another hour in the evening.  For many thousands of years, people who practiced Vipassana meditation deduced that these were the minimum lengths of time that one should sit each day in order for the full effects to blossom in your daily life.    Two hours a day , I thought??  They must be insane.  I immediately started to think of ways I could shorten those periods.  I was busy, after all.  I had to work full-time, and besides, all those people who came to that conclusion probably sat around all day meditating in silence.  They didn't have jobs, or real lives, I figured.  I will just do the best I can.  I promptly decided that 20 minutes soun...

Today at work, I had an interesting wake-up call of sorts.  A temporary new manager arrived, the first change in leadership since I arrived at this particular store 2 1/2 years ago.  I met her the other day, and that helped assuage my fears.  She seemed sweet and eager to step into her new role for the next four months.  Good enough.  But this morning, as I headed to work, my mind began to race.  What was 'new boss' going to say to me?  Would she start pointing out all the areas where I have not been following standards?  Would the chemistry at the store be altered?  And most importantly....drum roll please.... why did my old boss who I loved so much have to leave anyway ?  Ah, change.  It's always good.  Right? As soon as I stepped onto the floor at work today, I had a discussion with new boss.  My fears that she would be watching me in a way that I was not accustomed to became reality within the f...

To:       Paul From:   Your Heart I bet you never thought you would get a valentine from yours truly.  But with the 'holiday of hearts' quickly approaching, I figured now was as good a time as any to say thank you.  For what, you might ask? Well, for opening up my world, for starters.  You have been removing the barriers to my vision for quite awhile now, Paul, and I want to let you know how much I appreciate it.  I never wanted to stay boarded up and guarded.  I know you always thought I needed to be protected, but that is not what I am here for.  In fact, I wish someone out there would quit spreading the rumors that what I and all my heart brethren really need is to be locked away from all the hurts of the world.  That is the last thing we need.  It only makes us feel isolated and alone.  Just like you, hearts long to be free!  Free to love, and free to be exposed for e...