Trust Issues
There are certain times in our lives that stand out, for one reason or another, as pivotal moments in our growth. It's as if they become fused in our psyche, a permanent signpost along the road of life signifying something really big. For me, the importance of these episodes doesn't come from the actual events as they play out before my eyes, but rather for what I am being shown about myself, about others, and about the world at large. In the end, it's always the lesson that counts.
This past week, I recalled one such moment vividly. Let's all take a trip back in time to late 2003, shall we? I was going to move across the country, from Atlanta to California, finally fulfilling my dream of moving west. Now let me tell you, this dream had some legs. It probably started way back when I was in elementary school while growing up in New York state. Looking back, it seemed that I had been telling people I was going to move to California from about the time I learned to talk. That would be a (slight) exaggeration, but you get the point. It was always California or bust for me.
As I progressed through my twenties, moving here and there, I always sensed that everywhere I went along the east coast was just a temporary stop until (yep) I wound up in the Golden State. Yet there I was, living in Atlanta, knowing I needed to make a change, but feeling totally overwhelmed by the scope of it all. I was stuck in cement, virtually paralyzed. That is, until one magical day. I still have no clue what exactly changed inside of me. There was no big sign, no epiphany that I can recall. I just knew that it was time. It was that simple. Taking a risk no longer seemed as risky as doing nothing.
And so it was official, at least to me. I was moving to California, uncertainties and all. No going back.
As I so often like to say, I was DONE.
Once the decision was finally made, I started plotting my escape. I would leave my job as an Account Manager for the insurance company that had employed me for seven long years, giving them about a month's notice. My last day would just happen to fall on March 18--my birthday. Cue the birthday chorus and get ready to blow out the candles on a chapter of your life, Paul.
That gave me about four months to let everything fall into place. I started to tell close friends of my secret plot. At first, some of them doubted me, citing the "Boy Who Cried Wolf" syndrome after hearing for so many years of my love for the west coast and desire to flee there. But the days went on, that magic date creeped closer, and my story never wavered.
Finally, at a New Year's Eve party that year, I told some of my closest friends (after a few stiff drinks) what I was doing. Naturally, the questions came fast and furious. What would I do there? Where would I live exactly? How would I pay my bills? And (from some), was I crazy?
I had no answers. I just knew that it was time. With a confident smile, I heard myself voicing what I had felt inside for quite a while. I just have to do this. It will all work out. I know it. Sure, I had a few questions of my own. Who wouldn't, right? I had no idea how I would manage my bills, save for a barista job at Starbucks that I was sure would at least give me some cash flow once I settled in Cali. That was all I needed. Besides, at that point I couldn't have cared less. The small worries I had took a permanent backseat to the excitement, freedom, and absolute knowing that this was the right move for me.
What happened next was nothing short of a miracle.
Within a few short weeks of my letting the cat out of the bag, before I even had the chance to give my notice, I was laid off my job in Atlanta. Turned out my seven years of service would buy me a humongous "get out of jail free" card in the form of a severance package large enough to pay off my car and all of my credit card debts, while leaving more than enough cash to send me on my way comfortably.
It was like I won the Universal Lotto. Hit all the numbers, and the Power Ball too.
I still remember that fateful day. The higher-ups herded my department, all forty of us, into a stark conference room. The announcement was made. Thirty nine people looked sad, horrified, some even breaking into spontaneous outbursts of tears. But one person sat there, smiling from ear to ear. You know who I'm talking about. I cried, but mine were tears of joy. I couldn't believe it. I mean, I knew that somehow this was all going to work out. I was just going to leave the details to take care of themselves.
Boy, did they ever. Beyond my wildest dreams.
I felt like a mystery of the Universe was revealed to me on that day.
And here it is: Trust.
Many people preferred to see it as me having a horseshoe stuck where the sun don't shine. But I knew better, just as I had known it was time to leave my static, dismal life for (hopefully) greener pastures.
There is something to be said about trusting the Universe/God/Whatever You Want To Call It. It is not important to get caught up in naming it. It is the same trust, the same deep knowing, regardless of where we think it comes from. And I'm not talking about wishful thinking here, or just mouthing the words. It is not a simple psychological belief that things will work out. It is waaayyyy beyond that. What I mean is trusting to the core of who you are. Knowing that (ultimately) you will be ok when everything around you, all of the circumstances, suggest otherwise. How do you explain such a phenomenon? Truthfully, I have no idea. But I can tell you that, in my life experiences, I have never seen it fail. Never. Maybe that is why they call them Universal Laws. They don't fail. Under any circumstance.
And what brought this whole episode back into mind? Well, the other day my manager at Starbucks announced she was leaving the company after five years. She has a burgeoning photography career, and decided to give that all of her time and energy. It seems that there were other things calling to her of greater importance than being the manager of our store. Besides, she said, she just knew it was time.
When I heard that, I smiled and nodded my approval (not as if she needed it). Having been a manager at one time, I knew exactly where she was coming from. No further explanation was necessary. Just a hug, and a congratulations.
Maybe it is part of the American dream, as filtered through the eyes of yours truly. Instead of cars and houses, my wickedly wonderful fantasy decrees that people can actually choose to be happy within the framework of their own lives, or at the very least, choose to abandon a job, situation, or relationship that no longer serves them. I always find inspiration when someone lives out one of these little "fantasies". For me, these instances really seem to drive home the point that life is indeed very short, leaving little room for extended periods of misery and suffering.
I have often said that we are all connected in some fashion. I have even observed this in the endless game of falling dominoes that presents itself as everyday life, where synchronicities rule and all the pieces of the puzzle just seem to magically come together without too much interference from us. By that token, whenever just one single person says "no!" to unhappiness in whatever form it takes, and "yes!" to trusting and following his/her heart and soul, I think the whole world benefits. It has to.
But please, don't ask me how. I cannot provide details. I just know that the answer, all the answers, lie deep down inside each of us.
Trust me on this. If you don't believe me, take a look for yourself. After all, seeing is believing.
This past week, I recalled one such moment vividly. Let's all take a trip back in time to late 2003, shall we? I was going to move across the country, from Atlanta to California, finally fulfilling my dream of moving west. Now let me tell you, this dream had some legs. It probably started way back when I was in elementary school while growing up in New York state. Looking back, it seemed that I had been telling people I was going to move to California from about the time I learned to talk. That would be a (slight) exaggeration, but you get the point. It was always California or bust for me.
As I progressed through my twenties, moving here and there, I always sensed that everywhere I went along the east coast was just a temporary stop until (yep) I wound up in the Golden State. Yet there I was, living in Atlanta, knowing I needed to make a change, but feeling totally overwhelmed by the scope of it all. I was stuck in cement, virtually paralyzed. That is, until one magical day. I still have no clue what exactly changed inside of me. There was no big sign, no epiphany that I can recall. I just knew that it was time. It was that simple. Taking a risk no longer seemed as risky as doing nothing.
And so it was official, at least to me. I was moving to California, uncertainties and all. No going back.
As I so often like to say, I was DONE.
Once the decision was finally made, I started plotting my escape. I would leave my job as an Account Manager for the insurance company that had employed me for seven long years, giving them about a month's notice. My last day would just happen to fall on March 18--my birthday. Cue the birthday chorus and get ready to blow out the candles on a chapter of your life, Paul.
That gave me about four months to let everything fall into place. I started to tell close friends of my secret plot. At first, some of them doubted me, citing the "Boy Who Cried Wolf" syndrome after hearing for so many years of my love for the west coast and desire to flee there. But the days went on, that magic date creeped closer, and my story never wavered.
Finally, at a New Year's Eve party that year, I told some of my closest friends (after a few stiff drinks) what I was doing. Naturally, the questions came fast and furious. What would I do there? Where would I live exactly? How would I pay my bills? And (from some), was I crazy?
I had no answers. I just knew that it was time. With a confident smile, I heard myself voicing what I had felt inside for quite a while. I just have to do this. It will all work out. I know it. Sure, I had a few questions of my own. Who wouldn't, right? I had no idea how I would manage my bills, save for a barista job at Starbucks that I was sure would at least give me some cash flow once I settled in Cali. That was all I needed. Besides, at that point I couldn't have cared less. The small worries I had took a permanent backseat to the excitement, freedom, and absolute knowing that this was the right move for me.
What happened next was nothing short of a miracle.
Within a few short weeks of my letting the cat out of the bag, before I even had the chance to give my notice, I was laid off my job in Atlanta. Turned out my seven years of service would buy me a humongous "get out of jail free" card in the form of a severance package large enough to pay off my car and all of my credit card debts, while leaving more than enough cash to send me on my way comfortably.
It was like I won the Universal Lotto. Hit all the numbers, and the Power Ball too.
I still remember that fateful day. The higher-ups herded my department, all forty of us, into a stark conference room. The announcement was made. Thirty nine people looked sad, horrified, some even breaking into spontaneous outbursts of tears. But one person sat there, smiling from ear to ear. You know who I'm talking about. I cried, but mine were tears of joy. I couldn't believe it. I mean, I knew that somehow this was all going to work out. I was just going to leave the details to take care of themselves.
Boy, did they ever. Beyond my wildest dreams.
I felt like a mystery of the Universe was revealed to me on that day.
And here it is: Trust.
Many people preferred to see it as me having a horseshoe stuck where the sun don't shine. But I knew better, just as I had known it was time to leave my static, dismal life for (hopefully) greener pastures.
There is something to be said about trusting the Universe/God/Whatever You Want To Call It. It is not important to get caught up in naming it. It is the same trust, the same deep knowing, regardless of where we think it comes from. And I'm not talking about wishful thinking here, or just mouthing the words. It is not a simple psychological belief that things will work out. It is waaayyyy beyond that. What I mean is trusting to the core of who you are. Knowing that (ultimately) you will be ok when everything around you, all of the circumstances, suggest otherwise. How do you explain such a phenomenon? Truthfully, I have no idea. But I can tell you that, in my life experiences, I have never seen it fail. Never. Maybe that is why they call them Universal Laws. They don't fail. Under any circumstance.
And what brought this whole episode back into mind? Well, the other day my manager at Starbucks announced she was leaving the company after five years. She has a burgeoning photography career, and decided to give that all of her time and energy. It seems that there were other things calling to her of greater importance than being the manager of our store. Besides, she said, she just knew it was time.
When I heard that, I smiled and nodded my approval (not as if she needed it). Having been a manager at one time, I knew exactly where she was coming from. No further explanation was necessary. Just a hug, and a congratulations.
Maybe it is part of the American dream, as filtered through the eyes of yours truly. Instead of cars and houses, my wickedly wonderful fantasy decrees that people can actually choose to be happy within the framework of their own lives, or at the very least, choose to abandon a job, situation, or relationship that no longer serves them. I always find inspiration when someone lives out one of these little "fantasies". For me, these instances really seem to drive home the point that life is indeed very short, leaving little room for extended periods of misery and suffering.
I have often said that we are all connected in some fashion. I have even observed this in the endless game of falling dominoes that presents itself as everyday life, where synchronicities rule and all the pieces of the puzzle just seem to magically come together without too much interference from us. By that token, whenever just one single person says "no!" to unhappiness in whatever form it takes, and "yes!" to trusting and following his/her heart and soul, I think the whole world benefits. It has to.
But please, don't ask me how. I cannot provide details. I just know that the answer, all the answers, lie deep down inside each of us.
Trust me on this. If you don't believe me, take a look for yourself. After all, seeing is believing.
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