New Years, Old Fears

Yesterday, I did something rare.  And considering that I have lived in Hawaii for over two years now, it might come as a shock that it doesn't happen more often.  But every time I do it, I always ask myself why I don't do it more often. 

I went swimming in the ocean.

There. I said it.  Now cue the snide comments.

I don't really know why I rarely go into the waters here on Oahu.  I have no excuses.  But yesterday I was convinced to do it on a gorgeous winter day, and I swam out pretty far (for me).  Suddenly I noticed that I was not even cold as I thought I would be.  In fact, I was really comfortable!  I looked back at the beach, with the sand glimmering in the late-afternoon sun, and looked up at the blue sky dotted with puffy white clouds, and was grateful to have taken the advice to go in.

Then came an a-ha moment: This could be my new year's resolution! I will go in the ocean regularly.  Sounded good enough.  Starting a couple of days ago, people all over the world began starving themselves, excercising until they pass out, and dropping pennies into a jar every time they utter an obscenity--all in the name of making themselves better.  The least I could do was make some time every week to enjoy the big blue tub that completely surrounds this little speck of land that I call home.  Right? 

Well, not exactly.  Sure, I could always make the decision to swim or not.  But I began to ponder what was behind the decision not to swim.  Why do I say no, when every time I go into the water I feel more rejuvenated and healthy than I did before?  What am I afraid of?  I mean, I could think of times while visiting other islands where I would jump and splash in the waves for hours.  I would emerge feeling like I rediscovered some small part of my childhood that was either missing or buried deep, and I would always ask myself the same question: 

What causes me to say NO to experiences?  And what the #@! am I afraid of??

On New Year's Day,  I attended a meditation retreat where the main purpose was to focus your intentions for the upcoming year.  The leader, a calm and wise man named Greg, gave a talk afterwards about our uniqueness as human beings.  He claimed that each and every person on this earth has qualities, or gifts,  that make him or her unique.  He espoused that it is our job to maximize those gifts and then put them out into the world.  The only way to enlightenment, according to this framework, was to discover who we truly are.  But wait, don't stop there!  Once you discover your real gifts, you have to cultivate them.  Share them with others.  Don't be identified with them, just share them.  The only way to do all of this is to really, honestly, do your own work as a human being.  Eventually, there would only be the need to serve others.   At this point, consider all of your human potential "maximized".

Whoa.  And it was only the first day of the year. 

Alas, we all have to start somewhere.  And those two events this past weekend made me think about how much fear affects my life.  Even when I don't think I am afraid, further examination of the areas in my life where I say "no" quite often, really show that I am holding back in some way.  It's fear, no matter what I call it.   Fear (by any other name) keeps me from becoming the person I know truly exists deep down.  Why am I ever afraid to let my gifts out for the world to see?  What do I have to lose?  Don't I have everything to gain?  I have to face the fear head on. 

And so, this is what I resolve to do this year:

If something makes me feel afraid, I will move towards it.  I will examine it from every angle, and as honestly as I can.  Most of all, I will be as conscious as I can be.  This means dealing with fear whenever and wherever it presents itself.  How many times have we heard the saying that the game of life cannot truly be experienced from the sidelines? Fear just keeps me on the sidelines.  Let go of fear, and get in the game already!

Oh, and one more thing.  I will also try to remember that I am human, and learning as I go.  Life is a journey, right?  I will need to go easy on myself during the times when I (inevitably) veer off course. 

On those days, maybe I will just take another dip in the big blue tub.