(Noble) Silence is Golden
**In preparation for another meditation retreat this week, I went back and revisited what I had written on Facebook two years ago, in January 2010, after completing the first one. Figured posting it here would be a fun way to set the stage for what's to come. Enjoy!**
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I went into this experience with no expectations. I knew you had to agree to "Noble Silence" for the duration of the 10 days. This meant no talking, physical contact, or even eye contact with anyone. You cannot bring in books or even something to write with. No sexual activity (even with yourself). No killing, including bugs. You had to wear clothing that was not distracting in any way, and cover your body at all times. Men and women were separated the entire time.
Oh, and you would only eat vegetarian food, twice a day. After your 11am lunch, the only nourishment you would get for the rest of the day was some tea and a piece of fruit at 5pm. The morning wake-up bell was at 4:00am, and lights out was 9:30pm. There were 10 hours of meditation each day, along with a discourse each evening for 75 minutes. In short, it appears on paper that you are signing up for a self-imposed prison.
Um, OK. I'm in.
I did not know exactly why I wanted to do this, but I just knew it would somehow be beneficial. I still had lots of questions about it all, and had been asked alot of other ones by friends and family in the days leading up to the retreat. How would I last so long without talking? How could I go without eating 3 meals per day, and eating nothing but fruits, vegetables, and whole grains? What if it rained the entire time and I had to camp in silence AND be soaked? And of course, the big question: what would I do without my cheese bagel and coffee every morning?
And speaking of food...well, the food prepared for us was tasty, but certainly nothing like what I was used to eating. No Chef Boyardee, no processed anything. Fresh, fresh, fresh. They served coconuts, bananas and oranges picked right off the trees at the farm. Oatmeal every morning. Tofu and vegetable something-or-other for lunch. On Day 3, I discovered brown sugar for my oatmeal. Oh happy day! On Day 9....MEXICAN DAY!!! I have never been so happy to see vegetarian tacos in my entire life. And when I saw the container of sour cream on the table, I almost shed a tear.
I noticed that I was urninating just about every hour or so. Certainly this was turning into a physical detox for Paul, as well as a mental one. I knew that all of this was really healthy, and would probably benefit me at some point, but still I was pretty sure I might awaken and start gnawing on my tent during the middle of that first night. However by Day 5, I noticed that my stomach would be growling in hunger, yet I did not feel hungry anymore. The food tasted good, but I didnt really look forward to eating as much as I used to. The cravings were disappearing. After a first-day headache, I had no real desire to drink coffee. Whoa.
The time in between meditation sessions was really interesting. Nobody to talk to, nowhere to go, nothing to really do. So...how does time go by? Often I would take a quick walk around the allotted area (which took about 10 minutes of a 2 hour lunch break). I discovered a palm tree in a beautiful location on the farm, and found refuge under its half-shade. I would lay down on the ground, stare at the sky and look at cloud formations. Butterflys would be floating by on the breeze. Sometimes I would fall asleep. Sometimes I would hand-wash a few articles of clothing. Sometimes I would stare at the new fingernail growing in on my left middle finger, and notice how much it had grown each day. All things considered, and somewhat surprisingly, time was passing by fairly quickly. And I was never really bored. How could I be, with all of this to process?
The nights were restful. I have never camped for more than 3 days at a time, yet I found my little tent to be nearly as homey as my apartment during those ten days. I also got to substitute the sound of the early-morning garbage trucks in Waikiki for the natural sounds of crickets and frogs. A bit more soothing, no? I had vivid dreams every night, and at first it seemed like everyone was screaming in them. I figured that the silent backdrop of the night was the culprit. Sure enough....by Day 7 or so everyone in my dreams was using 'inside' voices again.
So what was the hardest part of the whole experience? The part I have not mentioned yet: The actual meditation. You are taught the Vipassana technique, which has no religious affiliation, no kool-aid to drink, and no brainwashing involved. Here's the whole thing in a nutshell: Observe yourself. Sit, eyes closed, and first observe your breath. After a few days, you are to sit with your eyes closed and observe all of the sensations you feel on every part of your body. Itching, tickling, numbness, pain...whatever you feel at that moment, acknowledge it and move on to the next part. Up and down, down and up. Dont react. If you have an itch, observe it and let it go. If your knee is throbbing in pain after 45 minutes, like mine often was, you have to remain balanced enough to simply acknowledge it without reacting. If you do have to move or adjust, its OK. Its all part of observing the reality of that moment.
The evening discourses would explain alot of the reasoning behind this age-old technique. Buddha taught it, but it is not "Buddhist", nor is it related to any religion. It is a way to clear your mind, purify your thoughts. A way to experience the truth of nature, that everything in life arises and then passes away. Its hard to argue with that law of nature, especially when you realize it through your own body. Sensations arise, then pass away. When there is pain, you acknowledge it, but try not to personalize it. When there is a pleasurable moment, same thing. The word 'anicca' (ani-cha), meaning impermanence, was repeated often during these discourses.
The painful sensations would come and go. Anicca, anicca, anicca. Changing, changing, changing. The soothing sensations would arise. Anicca, anicca, anicca. Always changing, never permanent. Remember this, and just observe. And sure enough, everything came and went.
You just have to observe it all. 10 hours a day. And you get to observe more than just these sensations during your time there. You also get up close and personal with all that comes with sitting with yourself in silence each day. You cannot run from anything. You cannot hide. There are no real distractions from the truth of your life. If you surrender to all that comes with this process, you essentially agree to let anything rise to the surface that needs to, in whatever moment it decides to show up. I followed the good advice of friends, and surrendered. And I learned so much.
I learned that silence really is golden. Being silent was without a doubt the easiest part of this whole experience. Once we broke the silence on Day 10, I think I was talking through a huge smile for about an hour, as all of us stood around and were finally able to share our views on what we all had just experienced. The sound of talking and laughter was like a loud freight train passing through the campgrounds. But once every single personality began to fight for attention and talk-time, I lost interest. In fact, for the first time in 10 days....I got bored! So I turned to my Ipod, which was returned to me after the silence ended. Music never sounded so good.
I learned that fruits and vegetables really DO help you feel healthier. Who would have guessed? And that eating only two meals a day was really not that big of a deal. I never thought I would be able to taste and feel the difference that eating nothing but fresh food makes, but it was very obvious. No digestion problems, no overeating. It was like my insides were being scrubbed clean! Now, Im no vegetarian. But I have a new respect for those that are, and am much more aware of what I ingest. Even my beloved cheese bagel did not taste quite the same today when I returned to work. Anicca, I suppose.
I learned that while I do like the taste of coffee, I do not need the effects of it. OK...I LOVE the taste of coffee. Who am I kidding? But I lived without it for 11 days and felt just fine, even getting up at 4am each day. Today at work I had my usual iced americano, but it only contained one shot of regular espresso instead of the four I normally would have. And my heart still started to race! For the first time I can remember, I did not enjoy that buzzed feeling it gave me. Anicca??? Keeping in mind that all things are impermanent, I will monitor this situation closely.
I learned that we really have no idea just how busy our minds are until we try to quiet them. I will never forget Day 1 of the retreat. My mind was bouncing around like the ball in a ping pong match. While attempting to concentrate on my breath, my mind turned into a 'greatest hits' reel of the past 36 years of my life! I saw food, people, animals. I heard voices and snippets of conversations. And even more oddly, I heard lots of music. From Chicago to the Beatles to Prince, certain songs decided to play in my head as background music. Speaking of Prince, for one solid day I could not get the song "Diamonds and Pearls" out of my head, in spite of the fact that I had not heard it in probably ten years or so.
No wonder we humans get so easily distracted. Somebody once told me that the human mind averages about 40,000 thoughts per day. I swear I had that many during the first hour of meditation. It took at least two days to unwind myself to the point where I could really concentrate on whatever I was supposed to observe in my body. And even after that, in SILENCE for days, there were many times when it was still a struggle to focus.
I learned that we all have a story, and that it truly means nothing when you cannot tell it to another. It is much easier to observe the truth of an individual when they cannot hide it with their personality and ego. This does not mean that we are free of judgement. As soon as the silence ended, one of the other students told all of us that he had given each of us nicknames during those ten days. He had created a story for each of us, mainly based on our outer appearances and gestures. My nickname? Vinnie the Hitman.
I learned that life is so precious, and that time goes by so fast even when it appears to be dragging slowly. I thought about what ten days meant to the whole of my life, and that so many people were shocked that I would give up that much time for self-observation. But ten days, when I have already been living at least 13,000 days, is really not much. In fact, it is never enough. We always can, and should, learn more about ourselves.
Most importantly, I learned that life is NOW. I was able to attend this retreat at the perfect time in my life. It is always in perfection, because I will experience what I need to in the future only when I am ready. I will strive to be a better person, more loving, more compassionate, more accepting. I will succeed at this, and I will fail. Nothing is permanent.
I will remember that I am the only person who is responsible for making my life a happy and fulfilling one. Or not. I will attempt to recognize when I get attached to things or people in unhealthy ways, and not be afraid to move through pain when it rears its ugly head. It can't last forever. When life appears to be smooth sailing ahead, I will make every attempt to be grateful for all that I have and all that I am, because it won't last either. I will always try to experience life fully and do my best to roll with what comes my way. I don't really have a choice, because each day will never be the same.
And I will make every attempt to truly understand, deep down inside that no matter what comes my way, I will end up OK. This too shall pass. Always. The law of nature won't have it any other way.
Anicca, anicca, anicca.
____________________________________________________________
I went into this experience with no expectations. I knew you had to agree to "Noble Silence" for the duration of the 10 days. This meant no talking, physical contact, or even eye contact with anyone. You cannot bring in books or even something to write with. No sexual activity (even with yourself). No killing, including bugs. You had to wear clothing that was not distracting in any way, and cover your body at all times. Men and women were separated the entire time.
Oh, and you would only eat vegetarian food, twice a day. After your 11am lunch, the only nourishment you would get for the rest of the day was some tea and a piece of fruit at 5pm. The morning wake-up bell was at 4:00am, and lights out was 9:30pm. There were 10 hours of meditation each day, along with a discourse each evening for 75 minutes. In short, it appears on paper that you are signing up for a self-imposed prison.
Um, OK. I'm in.
I did not know exactly why I wanted to do this, but I just knew it would somehow be beneficial. I still had lots of questions about it all, and had been asked alot of other ones by friends and family in the days leading up to the retreat. How would I last so long without talking? How could I go without eating 3 meals per day, and eating nothing but fruits, vegetables, and whole grains? What if it rained the entire time and I had to camp in silence AND be soaked? And of course, the big question: what would I do without my cheese bagel and coffee every morning?
And speaking of food...well, the food prepared for us was tasty, but certainly nothing like what I was used to eating. No Chef Boyardee, no processed anything. Fresh, fresh, fresh. They served coconuts, bananas and oranges picked right off the trees at the farm. Oatmeal every morning. Tofu and vegetable something-or-other for lunch. On Day 3, I discovered brown sugar for my oatmeal. Oh happy day! On Day 9....MEXICAN DAY!!! I have never been so happy to see vegetarian tacos in my entire life. And when I saw the container of sour cream on the table, I almost shed a tear.
I noticed that I was urninating just about every hour or so. Certainly this was turning into a physical detox for Paul, as well as a mental one. I knew that all of this was really healthy, and would probably benefit me at some point, but still I was pretty sure I might awaken and start gnawing on my tent during the middle of that first night. However by Day 5, I noticed that my stomach would be growling in hunger, yet I did not feel hungry anymore. The food tasted good, but I didnt really look forward to eating as much as I used to. The cravings were disappearing. After a first-day headache, I had no real desire to drink coffee. Whoa.
The time in between meditation sessions was really interesting. Nobody to talk to, nowhere to go, nothing to really do. So...how does time go by? Often I would take a quick walk around the allotted area (which took about 10 minutes of a 2 hour lunch break). I discovered a palm tree in a beautiful location on the farm, and found refuge under its half-shade. I would lay down on the ground, stare at the sky and look at cloud formations. Butterflys would be floating by on the breeze. Sometimes I would fall asleep. Sometimes I would hand-wash a few articles of clothing. Sometimes I would stare at the new fingernail growing in on my left middle finger, and notice how much it had grown each day. All things considered, and somewhat surprisingly, time was passing by fairly quickly. And I was never really bored. How could I be, with all of this to process?
The nights were restful. I have never camped for more than 3 days at a time, yet I found my little tent to be nearly as homey as my apartment during those ten days. I also got to substitute the sound of the early-morning garbage trucks in Waikiki for the natural sounds of crickets and frogs. A bit more soothing, no? I had vivid dreams every night, and at first it seemed like everyone was screaming in them. I figured that the silent backdrop of the night was the culprit. Sure enough....by Day 7 or so everyone in my dreams was using 'inside' voices again.
So what was the hardest part of the whole experience? The part I have not mentioned yet: The actual meditation. You are taught the Vipassana technique, which has no religious affiliation, no kool-aid to drink, and no brainwashing involved. Here's the whole thing in a nutshell: Observe yourself. Sit, eyes closed, and first observe your breath. After a few days, you are to sit with your eyes closed and observe all of the sensations you feel on every part of your body. Itching, tickling, numbness, pain...whatever you feel at that moment, acknowledge it and move on to the next part. Up and down, down and up. Dont react. If you have an itch, observe it and let it go. If your knee is throbbing in pain after 45 minutes, like mine often was, you have to remain balanced enough to simply acknowledge it without reacting. If you do have to move or adjust, its OK. Its all part of observing the reality of that moment.
The evening discourses would explain alot of the reasoning behind this age-old technique. Buddha taught it, but it is not "Buddhist", nor is it related to any religion. It is a way to clear your mind, purify your thoughts. A way to experience the truth of nature, that everything in life arises and then passes away. Its hard to argue with that law of nature, especially when you realize it through your own body. Sensations arise, then pass away. When there is pain, you acknowledge it, but try not to personalize it. When there is a pleasurable moment, same thing. The word 'anicca' (ani-cha), meaning impermanence, was repeated often during these discourses.
The painful sensations would come and go. Anicca, anicca, anicca. Changing, changing, changing. The soothing sensations would arise. Anicca, anicca, anicca. Always changing, never permanent. Remember this, and just observe. And sure enough, everything came and went.
You just have to observe it all. 10 hours a day. And you get to observe more than just these sensations during your time there. You also get up close and personal with all that comes with sitting with yourself in silence each day. You cannot run from anything. You cannot hide. There are no real distractions from the truth of your life. If you surrender to all that comes with this process, you essentially agree to let anything rise to the surface that needs to, in whatever moment it decides to show up. I followed the good advice of friends, and surrendered. And I learned so much.
I learned that silence really is golden. Being silent was without a doubt the easiest part of this whole experience. Once we broke the silence on Day 10, I think I was talking through a huge smile for about an hour, as all of us stood around and were finally able to share our views on what we all had just experienced. The sound of talking and laughter was like a loud freight train passing through the campgrounds. But once every single personality began to fight for attention and talk-time, I lost interest. In fact, for the first time in 10 days....I got bored! So I turned to my Ipod, which was returned to me after the silence ended. Music never sounded so good.
I learned that fruits and vegetables really DO help you feel healthier. Who would have guessed? And that eating only two meals a day was really not that big of a deal. I never thought I would be able to taste and feel the difference that eating nothing but fresh food makes, but it was very obvious. No digestion problems, no overeating. It was like my insides were being scrubbed clean! Now, Im no vegetarian. But I have a new respect for those that are, and am much more aware of what I ingest. Even my beloved cheese bagel did not taste quite the same today when I returned to work. Anicca, I suppose.
I learned that while I do like the taste of coffee, I do not need the effects of it. OK...I LOVE the taste of coffee. Who am I kidding? But I lived without it for 11 days and felt just fine, even getting up at 4am each day. Today at work I had my usual iced americano, but it only contained one shot of regular espresso instead of the four I normally would have. And my heart still started to race! For the first time I can remember, I did not enjoy that buzzed feeling it gave me. Anicca??? Keeping in mind that all things are impermanent, I will monitor this situation closely.
I learned that we really have no idea just how busy our minds are until we try to quiet them. I will never forget Day 1 of the retreat. My mind was bouncing around like the ball in a ping pong match. While attempting to concentrate on my breath, my mind turned into a 'greatest hits' reel of the past 36 years of my life! I saw food, people, animals. I heard voices and snippets of conversations. And even more oddly, I heard lots of music. From Chicago to the Beatles to Prince, certain songs decided to play in my head as background music. Speaking of Prince, for one solid day I could not get the song "Diamonds and Pearls" out of my head, in spite of the fact that I had not heard it in probably ten years or so.
No wonder we humans get so easily distracted. Somebody once told me that the human mind averages about 40,000 thoughts per day. I swear I had that many during the first hour of meditation. It took at least two days to unwind myself to the point where I could really concentrate on whatever I was supposed to observe in my body. And even after that, in SILENCE for days, there were many times when it was still a struggle to focus.
I learned that we all have a story, and that it truly means nothing when you cannot tell it to another. It is much easier to observe the truth of an individual when they cannot hide it with their personality and ego. This does not mean that we are free of judgement. As soon as the silence ended, one of the other students told all of us that he had given each of us nicknames during those ten days. He had created a story for each of us, mainly based on our outer appearances and gestures. My nickname? Vinnie the Hitman.
I learned that life is so precious, and that time goes by so fast even when it appears to be dragging slowly. I thought about what ten days meant to the whole of my life, and that so many people were shocked that I would give up that much time for self-observation. But ten days, when I have already been living at least 13,000 days, is really not much. In fact, it is never enough. We always can, and should, learn more about ourselves.
Most importantly, I learned that life is NOW. I was able to attend this retreat at the perfect time in my life. It is always in perfection, because I will experience what I need to in the future only when I am ready. I will strive to be a better person, more loving, more compassionate, more accepting. I will succeed at this, and I will fail. Nothing is permanent.
I will remember that I am the only person who is responsible for making my life a happy and fulfilling one. Or not. I will attempt to recognize when I get attached to things or people in unhealthy ways, and not be afraid to move through pain when it rears its ugly head. It can't last forever. When life appears to be smooth sailing ahead, I will make every attempt to be grateful for all that I have and all that I am, because it won't last either. I will always try to experience life fully and do my best to roll with what comes my way. I don't really have a choice, because each day will never be the same.
And I will make every attempt to truly understand, deep down inside that no matter what comes my way, I will end up OK. This too shall pass. Always. The law of nature won't have it any other way.
Anicca, anicca, anicca.
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