The Adult Version of Hide-and-Seek
We are all hiding something. I am convinced of this. Fact is, we are probably hiding more than we care to admit. I contemplated this when I heard about the sex scandal surrounding Jerry Sandusky and Penn State. I don't want to rehash any of the sordid details. I will leave it to the media to air out all of the dirty laundry, since that is what they appear to do best.
No, what I really want to consider is how any human being can hide such indignities. How can anyone smile, laugh, go about their daily business, and portray himself as a do-gooder when behind the scenes he was attacking and violating young boys? And almost as shockingly, nobody seemed to have a clue as to what was really happening there. At least they never admitted it, let alone tried to stop it. Not his wife. Not his friends. Not Joe Paterno. Nobody.
I could sit and judge this whole episode until I am blue in the face. We all could. Assuming all allegations are true, there is certainly no excusing Jerry Sandusky from anything he has coming to him. His hidden life of abuse has inflicted an incalculable amount of damage on far too many young boys and their families, not to mention the football program he helped build and the man whom he had, at one point, hoped to follow as the coach of the Penn State Nittany Lions. That little job promotion never happened. Instead, this is destined to be his legacy. Carnage beyond belief, and a story that has millions calling for his execution without even a whisper of a trial. Somehow he was able to hide his grotesque behavior for many years, but now he is learning what is oh-so-clear about life.
You can't hide forever.
In my own way, I sit here trying to see the bigger picture. One question keeps passing through my mind: Why do any of us hide anything, no matter how big or how small? I am learning that as time goes on, none of us can really hide. More and more, transparency seems like the only way to go.
When I think back on some of the more memorable things I have hidden over the years, I get tired just recalling them. It's just so much wasted energy. Within that pool of hiding we have everything from hiding my college report card until I figured out how to explain my grades (considered the shallow end of the pool at this point) to hiding in the proverbial "closet" for 25 years (definitely the deeper end), and all that fell in between those two extremes, of which I can be sure there is alot.
As kids we loved to play hide-and-seek. At least I know I did. But as adults, it's like we try to keep playing newer, more intricate versions of that game, only to see it wind up more destructive and costly every single time. It's not only others we hide from. There are myriad ways we try to hide from ourselves, too many to name here. All of them create an adult version of hide-and-seek that is not merely a few minutes or an hour long the way it was back in childhood. No sir. These games can last years, even lifetimes. And the thing is, the equally hilarious and scathing truth always is, we are never actually hiding. We can't hide from ourselves. We only think we can.
The only answer I can see is to stop playing the games. Start looking inside, start by taking responsibility for our own truth. They don't say that the truth sets you free for nothing. Every single lie told, every single moment spent lurking in the shadows can only cause more unhappiness and damage. There is something to be said for being able to lay your head down on the pillow at night and drift off to sleep with a clear mind and an even clearer heart.
The older I get, the harder time I have hiding my feelings and actions from anyone else. I find it so much harder to justify the need to do so, and besides, if nothing else in this unraveling life of mine, I long to be free. Freedom in my eyes means not having to retrace my steps every minute of every day. I don't want to waste even more of my precious time covering things up when there is so much good, honest living to do.
Maybe if we all practice what my friend Allison terms "rigorous honesty" with ourselves, then tragedies like the one at Penn State will someday cease to exist. Simply stated, rigorous honesty means that you are accountable to yourself for everything you do. Good or bad, you must face it all. Deal with it. Don't hide. Take full responsibility for your impact in this world. Resist the temptations to run behind that bush like we did as innocent 5 year-olds at play, and instead take a look at what scares us the most. It's not a game after all. It's life. Treat it with respect, and start with the man in the mirror. Sometimes it sounds like a tall task, but it is always worth trying.
Remembering that we can never really escape ourselves is paramount to all of this. Our own personal games of hide-and-seek always come to an end sometime. They have to. This is not to say we are perfect. Far from it in fact. We all make mistakes. We are human after all. It's expected, all of it. The point is that mistakes are not the problem here. Living without integrity is.
I don't know why anyone else hides, but I can speculate on my own reasons. I guess I get scared sometimes. In my mind, whenever I want to hide, questions abound. What if everyone can see that I'm not perfect, that I am not always what I think I am or say I want to be? What if that little, ever-shrinking part of me that feels unworthy is seen in broad daylight by another living being? And here's the best one of all: what if I can't live up to my own high standards of integrity? As I get older (and presumably wiser), each time one of these questions comes up for me I feel a stronger need to sit with it in earnest. I still try to hide from time to time. Maybe it's part of our nature, I don't know. But if I believe myself when I say I don't want to hide from anything, I must be able to go there.
I do. So I will. As much as I am capable, I will.
At the end of the day, I have to be able to look into the mirror, look deep into my own eyes, and like what I see. Only I have to live with myself. Being honest with myself is part and parcel to a happy, joyful existence. As far as my eyes can see, there is no better starting point if I wish to laugh freely, love openly, and share honestly. And I do wish for those things. I'm not perfect. I don't have to be. None of us do. I just have to keep trying to do better. I think it was Maya Angelou who said "when you know better, you do better." These are words to live by, not only because they are right and proper, but because they always lead us to a happier life.
Living in dishonesty causes damage. Hiding in shame causes damage. Lots of damage. I have seen it happen in my own life. We all have. The Penn State debacle may be an example of this on a larger scale, but no matter what size the stage is, it is nevertheless true. Only the truth shall set us free. Boy, is that ever the truth. And the best part is, we never have to hide from the truth. Never. The truth tells us we have nothing to hide from. No shadows are necessary. No covering up. Just living in the light.
As kids, it was fun to play hide-and-seek. As adults, we learn something valuable from playing this game. We can always run. But we can never hide from ourselves.
No, what I really want to consider is how any human being can hide such indignities. How can anyone smile, laugh, go about their daily business, and portray himself as a do-gooder when behind the scenes he was attacking and violating young boys? And almost as shockingly, nobody seemed to have a clue as to what was really happening there. At least they never admitted it, let alone tried to stop it. Not his wife. Not his friends. Not Joe Paterno. Nobody.
I could sit and judge this whole episode until I am blue in the face. We all could. Assuming all allegations are true, there is certainly no excusing Jerry Sandusky from anything he has coming to him. His hidden life of abuse has inflicted an incalculable amount of damage on far too many young boys and their families, not to mention the football program he helped build and the man whom he had, at one point, hoped to follow as the coach of the Penn State Nittany Lions. That little job promotion never happened. Instead, this is destined to be his legacy. Carnage beyond belief, and a story that has millions calling for his execution without even a whisper of a trial. Somehow he was able to hide his grotesque behavior for many years, but now he is learning what is oh-so-clear about life.
You can't hide forever.
In my own way, I sit here trying to see the bigger picture. One question keeps passing through my mind: Why do any of us hide anything, no matter how big or how small? I am learning that as time goes on, none of us can really hide. More and more, transparency seems like the only way to go.
When I think back on some of the more memorable things I have hidden over the years, I get tired just recalling them. It's just so much wasted energy. Within that pool of hiding we have everything from hiding my college report card until I figured out how to explain my grades (considered the shallow end of the pool at this point) to hiding in the proverbial "closet" for 25 years (definitely the deeper end), and all that fell in between those two extremes, of which I can be sure there is alot.
As kids we loved to play hide-and-seek. At least I know I did. But as adults, it's like we try to keep playing newer, more intricate versions of that game, only to see it wind up more destructive and costly every single time. It's not only others we hide from. There are myriad ways we try to hide from ourselves, too many to name here. All of them create an adult version of hide-and-seek that is not merely a few minutes or an hour long the way it was back in childhood. No sir. These games can last years, even lifetimes. And the thing is, the equally hilarious and scathing truth always is, we are never actually hiding. We can't hide from ourselves. We only think we can.
The only answer I can see is to stop playing the games. Start looking inside, start by taking responsibility for our own truth. They don't say that the truth sets you free for nothing. Every single lie told, every single moment spent lurking in the shadows can only cause more unhappiness and damage. There is something to be said for being able to lay your head down on the pillow at night and drift off to sleep with a clear mind and an even clearer heart.
The older I get, the harder time I have hiding my feelings and actions from anyone else. I find it so much harder to justify the need to do so, and besides, if nothing else in this unraveling life of mine, I long to be free. Freedom in my eyes means not having to retrace my steps every minute of every day. I don't want to waste even more of my precious time covering things up when there is so much good, honest living to do.
Maybe if we all practice what my friend Allison terms "rigorous honesty" with ourselves, then tragedies like the one at Penn State will someday cease to exist. Simply stated, rigorous honesty means that you are accountable to yourself for everything you do. Good or bad, you must face it all. Deal with it. Don't hide. Take full responsibility for your impact in this world. Resist the temptations to run behind that bush like we did as innocent 5 year-olds at play, and instead take a look at what scares us the most. It's not a game after all. It's life. Treat it with respect, and start with the man in the mirror. Sometimes it sounds like a tall task, but it is always worth trying.
Remembering that we can never really escape ourselves is paramount to all of this. Our own personal games of hide-and-seek always come to an end sometime. They have to. This is not to say we are perfect. Far from it in fact. We all make mistakes. We are human after all. It's expected, all of it. The point is that mistakes are not the problem here. Living without integrity is.
I don't know why anyone else hides, but I can speculate on my own reasons. I guess I get scared sometimes. In my mind, whenever I want to hide, questions abound. What if everyone can see that I'm not perfect, that I am not always what I think I am or say I want to be? What if that little, ever-shrinking part of me that feels unworthy is seen in broad daylight by another living being? And here's the best one of all: what if I can't live up to my own high standards of integrity? As I get older (and presumably wiser), each time one of these questions comes up for me I feel a stronger need to sit with it in earnest. I still try to hide from time to time. Maybe it's part of our nature, I don't know. But if I believe myself when I say I don't want to hide from anything, I must be able to go there.
I do. So I will. As much as I am capable, I will.
At the end of the day, I have to be able to look into the mirror, look deep into my own eyes, and like what I see. Only I have to live with myself. Being honest with myself is part and parcel to a happy, joyful existence. As far as my eyes can see, there is no better starting point if I wish to laugh freely, love openly, and share honestly. And I do wish for those things. I'm not perfect. I don't have to be. None of us do. I just have to keep trying to do better. I think it was Maya Angelou who said "when you know better, you do better." These are words to live by, not only because they are right and proper, but because they always lead us to a happier life.
Living in dishonesty causes damage. Hiding in shame causes damage. Lots of damage. I have seen it happen in my own life. We all have. The Penn State debacle may be an example of this on a larger scale, but no matter what size the stage is, it is nevertheless true. Only the truth shall set us free. Boy, is that ever the truth. And the best part is, we never have to hide from the truth. Never. The truth tells us we have nothing to hide from. No shadows are necessary. No covering up. Just living in the light.
As kids, it was fun to play hide-and-seek. As adults, we learn something valuable from playing this game. We can always run. But we can never hide from ourselves.
Comments
Very insightful point of view from one of your age. As you stated as one becomes older, the concept of full honesty becomes easier, and hiding aspects of ones lives always eventually come back to haunt one. At our stage in life, we have come to terms in most cases about why do we care about what people think of us, our clothes, material things, relationships etc. You can only make yourself happy and be at peace.
We are all programmed from birth by society, peers, family, teachers, etc. to respond, respect, communicate in a certain way and unfortunately as we see today, this is not always a good thing. Our persoanl acceptance is strived by all and want to fit in and not stand out in a crowd. Why not, what are we all scared of?
My mother in-inlaw got to the stage of inner peace in her late 70's, and enjoyed her senior years immensely because of it.
The sooner we get to this stage, the better, and at that point we will no longer find it necessary to play "Adult Hide / Go Seek"!
Cheers......John, Vancouver