The Fear Factor
Aloha Fear:
I have been thinking about you alot lately. Last weekend during the 9/11 anniversary, I made the dubious decision to watch a short video online which documented all of the events that took place on that most sorrowful day. I watched in horror once again, as towers collapsed, people ran for their lives, and everything changed forever. I immediately felt your hideous presence, Fear, and recalled how your dark and ominous shadow was cast over the world in a matter of minutes. I felt it, all of it. And it was nearly as sickening and disturbing as the first time I saw it all happen on live television 10 years ago.
When I was done watching it, I sat there stunned. It was really all I could do. I quickly decided that watching this whole debacle again was unnecessary and yes, was probably even motivated by you. I marveled at your ability to suck the life right out of me, Fear. You did it ten years ago, and I let you do it again. And that is the key factor here, isn't it? I let you do it. I knew what I would see when I clicked on that video, and yet like a moth to the flame, I was drawn to you. You were hidden there somewhere, under my own well-intentioned need to pay tribute on the anniversary of one of your biggest coming out parties, you were lurking right there. And that is what makes you so diabolical, Fear. You are shifty, chameleon-like, strangely attractive, and oh-so-heavy. You never, ever make anyone feel good, yet here you are still with such a powerful presence. It is as unfortunate as it is undeniable.
You see, Fear, we say on 9/11 that we should never forget. But honestly, I would love to forget YOU.
In fact, let's not limit this forgetfulness to that one particular day of the year. It doesn't take a major dramatic event like 9/11 to see your stamp all over things, even in my own little corner of the world. I notice you when I shrink away from trying new things, and feel that pit in my stomach because of the unknown. I feel your presence every single time I hold back on sharing myself with someone, and let me tell you, it is never a good thing. Every time I am possessed by you, and let you make my decisions, I am immediately paralyzed. When I let you run my life, Fear, there is no way to connect with anyone else. I see how you keep me stuck. I recognize your power. And it never, ever makes me happy.
Sometimes Fear, you just make me sick. Literally.
And so I must remember where you come from. You come from my mind. Nowhere else. You seem so real, Fear, but I know you aren't. Or do I? I am constantly learning how to limit the space you take up in my head. Yes, it is a continual uphill battle, but one well worth fighting.
I have heard people say that in life we either choose you or your arch enemy, Love. You know, that Love, the beautiful bright light who gives us hope, connects us all, and heals the planet. Love always makes us shine. Everyone adores her. She is transparent, encouraging, full of life, and always inspiring.
In short, she is your polar opposite. I want to know her better. We all do.
So please know this: I am on to you, Fear. I see the dark corners where you hide, and am just starting to courageously shine a light there. And for you, this can only mean one thing.
Be afraid, Fear. Be very afraid.
Sincerely,
Paul
I have been thinking about you alot lately. Last weekend during the 9/11 anniversary, I made the dubious decision to watch a short video online which documented all of the events that took place on that most sorrowful day. I watched in horror once again, as towers collapsed, people ran for their lives, and everything changed forever. I immediately felt your hideous presence, Fear, and recalled how your dark and ominous shadow was cast over the world in a matter of minutes. I felt it, all of it. And it was nearly as sickening and disturbing as the first time I saw it all happen on live television 10 years ago.
When I was done watching it, I sat there stunned. It was really all I could do. I quickly decided that watching this whole debacle again was unnecessary and yes, was probably even motivated by you. I marveled at your ability to suck the life right out of me, Fear. You did it ten years ago, and I let you do it again. And that is the key factor here, isn't it? I let you do it. I knew what I would see when I clicked on that video, and yet like a moth to the flame, I was drawn to you. You were hidden there somewhere, under my own well-intentioned need to pay tribute on the anniversary of one of your biggest coming out parties, you were lurking right there. And that is what makes you so diabolical, Fear. You are shifty, chameleon-like, strangely attractive, and oh-so-heavy. You never, ever make anyone feel good, yet here you are still with such a powerful presence. It is as unfortunate as it is undeniable.
You see, Fear, we say on 9/11 that we should never forget. But honestly, I would love to forget YOU.
In fact, let's not limit this forgetfulness to that one particular day of the year. It doesn't take a major dramatic event like 9/11 to see your stamp all over things, even in my own little corner of the world. I notice you when I shrink away from trying new things, and feel that pit in my stomach because of the unknown. I feel your presence every single time I hold back on sharing myself with someone, and let me tell you, it is never a good thing. Every time I am possessed by you, and let you make my decisions, I am immediately paralyzed. When I let you run my life, Fear, there is no way to connect with anyone else. I see how you keep me stuck. I recognize your power. And it never, ever makes me happy.
Sometimes Fear, you just make me sick. Literally.
And so I must remember where you come from. You come from my mind. Nowhere else. You seem so real, Fear, but I know you aren't. Or do I? I am constantly learning how to limit the space you take up in my head. Yes, it is a continual uphill battle, but one well worth fighting.
I have heard people say that in life we either choose you or your arch enemy, Love. You know, that Love, the beautiful bright light who gives us hope, connects us all, and heals the planet. Love always makes us shine. Everyone adores her. She is transparent, encouraging, full of life, and always inspiring.
In short, she is your polar opposite. I want to know her better. We all do.
So please know this: I am on to you, Fear. I see the dark corners where you hide, and am just starting to courageously shine a light there. And for you, this can only mean one thing.
Be afraid, Fear. Be very afraid.
Sincerely,
Paul
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