Unhappy Endings
It was 4:50am. The alarm on my cell phone went off as normal, but on this morning it sounded more like an air raid drill. It took me a minute or two to even realize that this hideous noise was erupting from the side of my bed. I flailed around, finally locating the perpetrator, and stopped the insanity with a press of a button. Whew. Silence. I sat there, shaking. Where am I? Hey, wait a minute--why did I set my alarm so early in Bali? Through the pre-dawn fog, I rubbed my eyes and surveyed my room. Oh no. I wasn't in Bali anymore. That alarm was for....gulp....work.
Oh no.
Vacation was over.
I ended up at work by 6am. During the day, I answered a litany of questions posed by the regular customers of our store regarding my long absence. How was your trip? How was Bali? How was the food? How WAS IT???? Maybe it was the jetlag (more on that later), combined with two solid weeks off work, which conspired to make it appear (at least to me) that I was slogging through cement all day, far more than a step behind everyone else. For these reasons, I couldn't seem to mutter much more of a response than, "it was great", which was met mostly with consternation. That's IT? Just great? I want more than that! Hmm. What the hell was I supposed to say? I just spent two glorious weeks traveling around to places I had never been, doing things I had never done before. And you want me to tell you in thirty seconds or less, specifically what I did and how it was? Impossible.
Well, now that I have the time here is one possible response:
Now you see my frustration: How could I have condensed all of that into a 30-second interaction?
Instead of all this, I relied heavily on the jetlag excuse. Now don't get me wrong, this is a completely real phenomenon and is not to be taken lightly. Since I returned two days ago, I could easily have fallen asleep in the middle of our morning rush with thirty people waiting in line, or ran a half-marathon at midnight. The body clock is still out of whack. Today, I don't think anyone would have blinked an eye if I would have "accidentally" spilled hot coffee all over a disgruntled customer. Oh, he is just badly jetlagged, everyone would have said. Excuse him. OK, that explains it. All is forgiven.
By the end of the day, I got tired of excuses. It was time to face reality once again.
And what is reality for me these days? Well, once my flight landed back in Honolulu earlier this week, I got excited. As I walked down to retrieve my bag at the airport, I noticed the palm trees swaying in the breezes outside. Lilting Hawaiian music wafted ever so gently through the airport. Once outside, I smelled that flowery scent that screams "Hawaii!" in my mind. Ahh. Home at last.
I thought alot about the idea of "home" during my trip. I replayed alot of time-worn cliches in my head. There's no place like home. Home is where the heart is. Home sweet home. I have lived in many places during my life so far. Often when I used to travel, I would start to wonder about the possibility of uprooting my life and moving to a new location. And many times, I acted on that impulse. But now, as my eyes were opened to the world in new and exciting ways, I had no desire to move anywhere. I felt settled like never before. Not so much because I live in Hawaii, but because I am content with things in a way that I have never really known. I guess home is truly where my heart is, because it seems to be something that is inside of me, a part of my evolution on this planet. Home is a state of mind, a state of heart, and not simply a place.
One moment stands out for me (yes, even more than the elephant ride and the drag queen kiss). I had packed my bags in Bali and was about to go to the airport. It was all coming to an end, whether I liked it or not. As I braced myself to say goodbye to many of the people I had spent the past two weeks traveling with, I started to lose it. It caught me off guard, this spontaneous display of emotion, and I could not speak to anyone. I just smiled through tears. But I knew that I was not sad to leave Bali, and not really sad that vacation was coming to a close either. Nope. I realized that I was just...open. I had experienced everything, and everyone, with my eyes, mind and heart wide open. And it felt so good! That feeling, that expansive, loving feeling, is becoming my new home. I am learning to live there now. And the best news is, I can do it anywhere.
So as the last remains of that magical vacation pixie dust begin to blow away, I have to just let them go. Maybe begrudgingly at first, but I will keep moving on. Got to.
Yes, vacation is over. But it doesn't have to be an unhappy ending. No way. This is just the beginning.
Oh no.
Vacation was over.
I ended up at work by 6am. During the day, I answered a litany of questions posed by the regular customers of our store regarding my long absence. How was your trip? How was Bali? How was the food? How WAS IT???? Maybe it was the jetlag (more on that later), combined with two solid weeks off work, which conspired to make it appear (at least to me) that I was slogging through cement all day, far more than a step behind everyone else. For these reasons, I couldn't seem to mutter much more of a response than, "it was great", which was met mostly with consternation. That's IT? Just great? I want more than that! Hmm. What the hell was I supposed to say? I just spent two glorious weeks traveling around to places I had never been, doing things I had never done before. And you want me to tell you in thirty seconds or less, specifically what I did and how it was? Impossible.
Well, now that I have the time here is one possible response:
"The trip was awesome. Every single day I seemed to do something I had never done before. I rode an elephant. I swam in the Indian Ocean. I rode a bike all around Bangkok. I got massages like it was my job. I laughed alot. ALOT. Smiled more often than I can remember. Met so many fascinating people, and made some new friends along the way. I ate delicious, cheap, fresh food every day. Realized that I really want to learn a language other than English, because it was so much fun learning just a few phrases in Thai and Indonesian. I celebrated my birthday in a place that was so beautiful, it was like a dream.
Oh, and one more thing: I kissed a drag queen. Any more questions?"
Now you see my frustration: How could I have condensed all of that into a 30-second interaction?
Instead of all this, I relied heavily on the jetlag excuse. Now don't get me wrong, this is a completely real phenomenon and is not to be taken lightly. Since I returned two days ago, I could easily have fallen asleep in the middle of our morning rush with thirty people waiting in line, or ran a half-marathon at midnight. The body clock is still out of whack. Today, I don't think anyone would have blinked an eye if I would have "accidentally" spilled hot coffee all over a disgruntled customer. Oh, he is just badly jetlagged, everyone would have said. Excuse him. OK, that explains it. All is forgiven.
By the end of the day, I got tired of excuses. It was time to face reality once again.
And what is reality for me these days? Well, once my flight landed back in Honolulu earlier this week, I got excited. As I walked down to retrieve my bag at the airport, I noticed the palm trees swaying in the breezes outside. Lilting Hawaiian music wafted ever so gently through the airport. Once outside, I smelled that flowery scent that screams "Hawaii!" in my mind. Ahh. Home at last.
I thought alot about the idea of "home" during my trip. I replayed alot of time-worn cliches in my head. There's no place like home. Home is where the heart is. Home sweet home. I have lived in many places during my life so far. Often when I used to travel, I would start to wonder about the possibility of uprooting my life and moving to a new location. And many times, I acted on that impulse. But now, as my eyes were opened to the world in new and exciting ways, I had no desire to move anywhere. I felt settled like never before. Not so much because I live in Hawaii, but because I am content with things in a way that I have never really known. I guess home is truly where my heart is, because it seems to be something that is inside of me, a part of my evolution on this planet. Home is a state of mind, a state of heart, and not simply a place.
One moment stands out for me (yes, even more than the elephant ride and the drag queen kiss). I had packed my bags in Bali and was about to go to the airport. It was all coming to an end, whether I liked it or not. As I braced myself to say goodbye to many of the people I had spent the past two weeks traveling with, I started to lose it. It caught me off guard, this spontaneous display of emotion, and I could not speak to anyone. I just smiled through tears. But I knew that I was not sad to leave Bali, and not really sad that vacation was coming to a close either. Nope. I realized that I was just...open. I had experienced everything, and everyone, with my eyes, mind and heart wide open. And it felt so good! That feeling, that expansive, loving feeling, is becoming my new home. I am learning to live there now. And the best news is, I can do it anywhere.
So as the last remains of that magical vacation pixie dust begin to blow away, I have to just let them go. Maybe begrudgingly at first, but I will keep moving on. Got to.
Yes, vacation is over. But it doesn't have to be an unhappy ending. No way. This is just the beginning.
Comments
what is it like "to kiss" a drag queen and why did it become a highlight during your trip ? did you do it in the form of affection, to impress those you were with, he/she was hot -- do tell... :)
never mind paul. you don't have to "tell" anything. FB pictures speak way louder than any word you can write. for that alone, it is a privilege to simply being able to read your blog. let alone to vicariously see thailand in its full glory.