Life Unraveled

I haven't felt like writing much lately. I don't know exactly what I want to talk about today either, but I know there is something to say, and my fingers are rolling along the keyboard, so let's just see what comes up. Ready or not... Life these days has been up and down, sometimes severely so. In other words, I guess I am guilty of being profoundly alive. I am definitely conscious, feeling everything, and certainly that kind of alertness has its moments. Like for instance, when I start to go into a full-blown panic attack over absolutely nothing, with no apparent trigger or logical reason for its occurrence. Heart races, breath quickens, pains emerge all over the body. Chaos ensues, mentally and physically. Not pretty. This kind of stuff has been happening for several weeks now. I have heard many Buddhist teachings about "leaning into" pain and suffering, encouraging you to dip your toes into its muddy waters even when it feels like the world may just ...

I went jogging this morning. Big deal, right? It probably would not have been such a headline news story except that I have not done so in several years. I'm not sure why I felt like doing it, yet today I woke up determined. Sometimes it is best not to question such impulses, but simply to indulge them. So I slipped on my sneakers, the ones that spend way more time in the closet than on my feet, clipped my Ipod to my t-shirt and off I went. I started off slow. Okay, that is probably an understatement. I felt more like the Tin Man, and a 90-year old version at that. My knees creaked. My ankles pulsed. I was cracking all over the place, my body threatening to give out at any moment and collapse into a pile of weary old bones. But I kept going. It was not a long run by any means (just down to the end of a rather long street near my apartment and back again), but it was good enough. I trudged along the canalside pathway, picking up a little steam. This wasn't so bad...